A single girl, kissing a lot of frogs

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hear me roar!!!

I know women have been screaming this from the hilltops since the dawn of time, but let me repeat myself... MEN ARE ASSHOLES!

What is it about the lesser sex of our species (ignorant fucks that they are) that makes the most simple situation so ridiculously complicated?

Seriously.  When I was a little girl there were no Enid Blighton novels or Golden fairy tale books about princesses growing up to fall for commitment-phobic assholes who took them for granted and fucked them over and "thought they were totally awesome but just weren't in love with them" (despite sending 40-plus text messages a day or having to talk on the phone at night or else they 'couldn't fall asleep') and destroyed their self esteem until they were pitiful shells of their former selves. 

Life surely isn't meant to be this ridiculously hard.  How can it be so easy for some people to find a wonderful partner and so impossible for the rest of us? 

No. It's Bullshit. I don't concurr. Where do I lodge my application for appeal? To whom is in charge here and when is that motherfucker going to send my prince charming my way?

I don't feel the need to get more specific right now about the douche in particular who sparked this tirade.  I'm sure all of you women can relate and insert relevant name here:  ________ is a massive c-bomb.

Hold on to your hats.  Beryl is back and has some shockers to share.  As soon as I finish wallowing in self pity, among the dregs in the bottom of the Johnny Walker bottle that is.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Attention all single ladies, please form an orderly queue. Walk, don't run.  The opportunity of a life time is about to present itself and you really don't want to miss this. 

I was perusing the on-line personals over my morning cup of tea when I found this gem (no word of a lie!):

Name: Herpes Man
City: Brisbane, Queensland
Sign: Cancer
Height: 6'0 or 183 cm
Age: 37
Gender: man
Seeking: woman
Body type: thin
Religion: other
Hair colour: brown
Professional: business

About me:
Hi, I am a 34 yr old aussie boy looking for long term relationship.

One catch, i have Herpes 1 & 2, lucky i get next to no symptoms however it is in my blood. if you need to know about it, please google, there is stacks of info regarding relationship, precautions etc.

I also have back problems.

Im interested in yoga, travelling, food, cooking, relaxing,business.

I have an inquisitive mind and like to get to a persons heart and find out what they are really about.

Slim pickin's

Again, it's been awhile between posts but by the time you finish reading this entry, you will understand exactly why!

I'm still kind of seeing BP, and the disaster of a shithouse relationship we had when I last blogged about him has kind of mutated into a strange friendship, loosely based on support and mutual respect.  We still hook up regularly but somehow seemed to drop our guards and get really comfortable with each other and have actually become quite good mates. 

So we've been spending quite a bit of time talking and hanging out and with his encouragement to keep looking for a man who can make me completely happy (he openly admits he can only tick a few boxes), I've called a hiatus on the 'Off Season' and put myself back in the game

(BTW - I know that doesn't make much sense... "the horrible ex that I'm still sleeping with has become a good friend and is encouraging me to date and find someone better than him to settle down with".  I fully get how mental that is, but have given up trying to understand it or fight it and am just going with it.)

So I've ventured back onto the internet, with mixed results. 

Firstly I started chatting to a really cool guy who is living in Japan but is moving back to Brissy early next year.  Lets call him JS.  I really liked the sound of his profile and felt like we had a good rapport going, but it's been a week and a half since I last emailed him with no response.  Not sure if he's busy or lost interest or died or whatever, but can't be bothered to dwell on it, so I've been sussing out what else is out there.

Any sadly, there isn't much.  A few lueke warm prospects but nothing good enough to get me hot under the collar.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of internet dating or have been too nervous, then brace yourselves, because I'm about to share a doozy.

This guy sent me a couple of emails and while still very much in the 'getting to know you' stage, decided to go with this (note, I won't correct his typos, just so you get the full affect):

"Hello again,

Yeah, Camping is cool... but you realy need some one to go with. I don`t mind getting away from it all and escaping.. But then like to bring some of the mod cons with me! Yeah that doesn`t make sence...

If ou had like a house on some land.. you could probibly have a camp fire.. But i don`t think they let you do it everywere. I know some camping places you can`t now.. it`s gas only..

I've been working on special water testing probes at work for the last few weeks. Out of the first batch of like 16 probes.. on 2 have made it to the final tests (and may ultamately fail..) Been realy demorilinsing... you put all the work into them.. and get nothing in the end!

But my second batch is looking better.. i have 8 probes (1 complete batch) have all made it to the final final tests! will find out tomorrow if they are all good!

Then i have to go onto the remaining probes... and see if i can figure out more was.... to figure out what is going on with them!

I know it might sound borring.. but each prob is diffrent.. so has alot of variety!

My car is an older Pulsar.. It`s a good car.. but everthing wears out in the end and needs to be replaced... And you know what money pits cars can be!

Anyway.. hope i haven`t borred you to much...

What does your weekend hold? Any palns?


I still don't really know what this guys does for a living.  I'm assuming from all the 'probe talk' that he's in some kind of science field but really couldn't find the strength within myself to reply to this email, hence I never found out.

So yeah, internet dating is awesome again so far!  But I have a sneaky suspicion there is going to be PLENTY of fodder for blogging, so stay tuned : )

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Off Season

Sorry for those of you waiting on baited breath for the next instalment, but I've had a quiet couple of weeks*.

This is mainly due to family commitments, a pre-planned 'girls' weekend away', an all-girls hens night and my new theory about 'the off season'. 

As Brisbane starts to steam up with the blanketing humidity that we can look forward to for the next four months or so, I've slowly realised something that I possibly have been practicing for a few years now, but never fully realised. 

This realisation has sparked my latest theory...  that the summer is the 'off season' for dating.

The reasons for this are threefold.

Firstly, there is just too much fun, social stuff going on right now.  It seems that most of my coming weekends are filled with Christmas parties, weekends at the beach and planned catch ups with friends to celebrate the longer evenings and warmer nights.

Secondly, Christmas and New Years is the most awkward time of the year to be establishing the boundaries of a new relationship.

And thirdly, I love a warm sunny, day, but it is just really challenging to look composed in 35-plus degree heat.  I'm just too hot and sweaty to bother with the full hair and make up routine that is required when making good first impressions on dates. My foundation begins the slow, melting, descent from my face as soon as I step outside my house in the morning and, quite frankly, I just couldn't be arsed to try and stop it.

Therefore, the pro-active search for a life partner subconsciously gets shelved until late Feb or March (i.e. Autumn) when the days start to cool, the social life dries up somewhat and I start thinking about the pending winter months and how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle up with every night.

But fear not, there is still plenty of scope in the 'off season' to have some fun, should the opportunity arise, so stay tunes and see what goes down.

* I decline to either confirm or deny the rumours that there may have been some inappropriate contact with BP since deciding to put a stop to those shenanigans.  However - if there had been any ongoing contact (and I'm not saying that's the case!), then it definitely wouldn't have meant anything and would only have been for the purpose of a little tension relief and light entertainment.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Survey says...

Well, dear readers, I have heard your cries for more and agree that it is time for an update. That last you heard from me, I was recovering from the disastrous lunch date with GP.

After finally calling it a day, I thought I had put that whole awkward situation behind me and was free to move on. Turns out, not so much...

Late that evening I was enjoying some beverages with friends, celebrating the end of the working week and just generally how fabulous we are, when my phone beeped with an email from him.

Curiosity got the better of me and I checked it to discover GP was asking for an assessment report!

I quote:

"I would like to take the (unusual for me) step of actually asking you for feedback. Like everything in life, dating can be improved."

Unbelievable, right?!

He went on to ask a series of questions including 'What do you think is good about my on-line profile?', 'What would you recommend changing about my profile?', ‘Any feedback you may have re me as a date companion' and 'Any other comments or thoughts?'.

I was torn between being shocked at what an incredible dork this guy was turning out to be, and really feeling sorry for him - as I assume it would have taken quite some courage to ask for what could potentially have been unpleasant critique.

After a few days of pondering, I decided to respond and attempt to offer some gentle, yet hopefully helpful advice.

I began by complimenting him on his 'dating 'technique' and profile (after all, he made it really easy to set up a place and time and was a perfect gentleman), before gently easing into the 'however'…

"While I fully believe that its important to be yourself and honestly represent who you are, such obvious openness can come across as a bit overwhelming.

"I could tell as soon as meeting you that 'what you see is what you get' and you weren't holding anything back. That can be a really good thing because it showed you were comfortable with who you are and I got a sense of getting to know you very quickly.

"But maybe its that age old classic of 'leaving them wanting more' and keeping a little bit of mystery? We started delving into some very big philosophical conversations straight away and I enjoy intellectual stimulation but it might be a good idea to keep things a bit lighter while you're still getting to know someone?"

With a deep breath, and a quick prayer that I wasn't about to deeply offend, I hit send.

Thankfully, GP replied quite quickly thanking me for my constructive feedback and saying he would take my advice on board.

As for his assessment of me? Well, yes he did return the favour.

After complimenting me on my 'gorgeous' profile photo (which he described as very honest and reflective of who I am in person) he summarised with a final impression that I was "a friendly, smart and articulate women with a zest for life."

What can I say, he's only human!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Analyze this...

So I had lunch with GP on Friday, and unfortunately there were a distinct lack of sparks. 

He was nice but sooooo BOR-RING! he just kept going on and on and on with random boring stories. I couldn't say anything without him replying 'Oh, that reminds me of this one time when..."

He would ask me a questions, sit patiently through my reply and then launch into the BIG long story about something. It felt like the question was just an excuse to bring up a topic that he could talk about.

Like, he asked me what made me decide to take up rock drumming lessons this year, and after my response (of a suitable length), he launched into this monologue about how he...

"Finds it SO fascinating that I'm learning the drums... I love how people have so many sides to them, its so fascinating - it's like everyone has their own world made up of so many unique and different parts... and there are all these different worlds in the universe.  Like, every person is a mosaic made up of tiny little pieces or elements and they make up a bigger picture. And depending on which angle you look at them from, you see a different side... That reminds me of the tiles in my grandparent's old bathroom. There were lots of tiny little tiles and each time I looked at them I'd see a different picture. It was so amazing. It's like those 3D pictures where you see unicorns and stuff sometimes. It's so fascinating. "

By this time I was face down asleep in my Caesar salad.

We vaguely discussed seeing a movie next Wednesday night and he suggested 'Eat Pray Love'. No way Jose! The last thing this guys needs is more life philosophy!!!

After escaping lunch I walked back to work, pondering the best way to nip this thing in the bud and avoid any future 'Dr Phil'-type sessions, only to get back to me desk to find an email saying what a great time he'd had and did I want him to pick me up for the movies on Wednesday.

Since most of our interaction had taken place over the email, I decided it wasn't too inappropriate to let him down in the same manner.   Hence I sent a carefully worded response, letting him know that I enjoyed lunch (Lie!) and even though he was quite lovely (true), unfortunately I wasn't sure that the chemistry was there for us to have a romantic relationship.

He responded very graciously, saying that he understood, hoped I found someone special soon, and wished me the best of luck. 

What a relief.  Nice guy, but not for me!